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Let's break this down and go through some of the more obvious acts of bastardry men can commit on each other on the playing field.

THE SQUIRREL GRIP: Also known as the Christmas hold.

For one of the all time great cheap shots, have a look at this compilation of former AFL star Dermott Brereton's lesser moments.

The head stomp at about in this clip is quite remarkable.

On the scale of head-butts, French soccer player Zin├ędine Zidane's pathetic attempt on Marco Materazzi during the 2006 World Cup doesn't really deserve the fame it has garnered.

Zidane claimed he was provoked into the attack after Materazzi allegedly called him "the son of a terrorist whore".

At the end of the game, Winmar responded by lifting his jumper and pointing to his black skin saying "I'm proud to be black".

So as a rule, saying you've had sex with an opponent's wife, mother, sister or daughter is considered a "low act", as are racist remarks, but they're also the sledges most liking to provoke a response, draw a penalty or unhinge your opposite number. (4 out of 10) SPITTING: Has always been a low act on the football field, but it's taken on graver consequences since the rising awareness over the transmission of diseases such as hepatitis.

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If you didn't look at that Dermott Brereton compilation, go on, we'll wait - there's about three choice elbow shots in there that are worth seeing.

When you're in a clinch with another player, you give him a kiss and, nine times out of ten he'll absolutely lose the plot, have a swing at you and you'll get the penalty.

(Not that I'm picking on him but Dermott Brereton did this as well when he played for Hawthorn, kissing Essendon's Billy Duckworth during a 1988 game at Waverley Park).

(8 out of 10) KING HITS: A close relative to the elbow, with the exception the other bloke doesn't know it's coming.

There's too many to list but All Blacks prop Richard Loe's rabbit killer on Paul Carozza comes to mind as does France's Philippe Sella's smackdown on Wallaby second-rower Peter Fitz Simons, and rugby league's Bob Cooper on Lee Pomfret, Terry Lamb on Ellery Hanley and more recently, Danny Williams on Mark O'Neill. (8 out of 10) TRIPPING: Can cause some damage, but I reckon it's even more embarrassing for the bloke who enacts the trip. (3 out of 10) KISSING: Has been used to remarkable effect in some codes.

A buddy of mine, Jethro, who's a newsreader, was doing just that as we had a coffee yesterday morning, holding up the paper version of the Sydney Morning Herald as he intoned from the sports section.

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